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The Curmudgeon of Christmas

The Curmudgeon of Christmas a rambling on the de rigeurs of the ever lengthening yuletide season!

The Curmudgeon of Christmas
(or "Do I Know it's Christmas")
(or "The Year of Christmas")
(or "The 12 months of Christmas")
(or "Grumpy Christmas")
By Paul Carpenter

Do I know it's Christmas?
No because it is only June
The shops are starting to sell those wares
of wrapping paper, decorations and cards
Some old fogey on the radio says
"There are only 200 shopping days to Christmas!"

Do I know it's Christmas?
No because it is only July
Despite the rain and weather
The novelty Christmas gifts appear on sale
The old fogey on the radio says
"There are only 170 shopping days to Christmas!"

Do I know it's Christmas?
No because it is only August
For those of us braving the British Weather
Some Christmas gift catalogues appear
The old fogey on the radio says
"There are only 140 shopping days to Christmas!"

Do I know it's Christmas?
No because it is only September
The kids are back at school
Mince Pies are on the shelves in supermarkets
Some bright sparks proclaim they have finished
all their Christmas shopping
I hope their milk goes off!
The old fogey on the radio says
"There are only 110 shopping days to Christmas!"

Do I know it's Christmas?
No because it is only October
They started playing the same set of Christmas songs
on the radio and in the shopping malls
All the Christmas specials are gleefully
advertised as they drop through the letterbox.
The Christmas Pantos are promoted everywhere
The old fogey on the radio says
"There are only 80 shopping days to Christmas!"

Do I know it's Christmas?
No because it is only November
Every night is full of Somme re-enactments
Still the same Christmas songs play on the radio
and in the shopping malls
They turn the Christmas lights on around the land
All the Radio and TV shows start telling us about the
"must have" Christmas gifts this year
The old fogey on the radio says
"There are only 50 shopping days to Christmas!"

Do I know it's Christmas?
Yes it is three weeks before Christmas
There is the last minute panic for Christmas trees
The good, bad and the motorway embankment special
All the houses in the land are lit up
to recreate one big airport landing strip
The insides are decorated just right
After many an argument and the tree lights will not work
Still the same Christmas songs play
on the radio and in the shopping malls
The Radio Times is full of holiday supplements
The old fogey on the radio says
"There are only 20 shopping days to Christmas!"

Do I know it's Christmas?
Yes it is the week before Christmas
Now the tree lights work, we bought a new set
Everyone is exchanging cards and presents
Partying and drinking, because "it's Christmas"
Still the same Christmas songs play
on the radio and in the shopping malls
The Radio Times is full of holiday supplements
The children all over the land have nativity plays
Jesus is played by Barney the dinosaur
with attending lobsters, squids, and polar bears
What happened to sheep and cattle in the stable
The old fogey on the radio says
"There are only 5 shopping days to Christmas!"
But someone has forgotten to tell him
that the January sales started last week.

Do I know it's Christmas?
Yes it is the day before Christmas
The last minute present dashes
People getting five trolleys of absolutely everything
they never eat, and prepare for the siege
of a month before the shops open again.
The TV shows holiday adverts all the time
The old fogey on the radio says
"Did you see the queues at Sainsbury's this morning"

Do I know it's Christmas?
Yes I know its bloody Christmas Day
Even I can work it out,
We can now spend 5 minutes opening presents
The rest of the day is spent eating
our way through the mountain of shopping
Whilst watching TV and trying to ignore
old aunt Agatha asleep, farting in the corner
Every five seconds between the holday adverts,
some old fogey on the radio and TV says
"Merry Christmas" just in case I have forgotten.

Do I know it's Christmas?
Yes it is the day after Christmas
Do not fear the shops already are full
With those who have run out of bread and milk
But the shelves are full of Valentine's gifts and Easter eggs.
That old fogey on the radio says
"Hope you had a good Christmas and what about New Year"

Do I know it's Christmas?
No because it is new Years Eve
For four hours there is a mass re-enactment
Of the Battle of the Somme
The excesses of food slowly decay
on sideboard and in fridge
we missed the minute the pears were ripe
The old fogey on the radio says
"Happy New Year and what was your new years resolution"

Do I know it's Christmas?
No because it is only January
We have thrown away all the items we will never eat
The excesses of fruit, nuts, crisps, dates and crackers
The decorations and lights are back in the loft
There are reports that the shops did better or
even worse at Christmas last year
The Radio Times is full of holiday supplements
The tax man wants a payment even from all those
who have spent it all on Christmas
The old fogey on the radio says
"The furniture sale has started again as if the last one finished"

Do I know it's Christmas?
No because it is only March
The shops are selling Barbecue wares
comic aprons, tongs, lighter fuel and charcoal
The old fogey on the radio says
"We have just finished the chocolates from Christmas"

Do I know it's Christmas?
Bah Humbug!
Can we not just have Christmas in December
To leave the rest of the year to run our lives.

© Copyright 2005 by Paul Carpenter, PC Services, UK.

© 2005 onwards by PC Services, Reading UK Last Updated: 15th May 2011
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